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Perpetually worship the lotus feet of the spiritual master

Satsvarupa Dasa: Devotees sometimes ask me if I was ever afraid of Srila Prabhupada. I usually reply, Yes. I say that it's healthy to be afraid of displeasing the spiritual master. Sometimes I would be afraid that Prabhupada's secretaries and representatives might misrepresent him. Or I would be afraid that Prabhupada would ask me to do something that would be very hard for me. These are anarthas that have to be overcome by trusting in the loving relationship with Prabhupada, and by accepting, without fear, the position of servitude. Sometimes I would also be afraid that my mind and senses were seeing Prabhupada in an unfavorable light. For example, one year in India, Prabhupada called his GBC men for an impromptu meeting in his room in Vrindavana. The room was darkened and Prabhupada was in a stern mood. He was unhappy that so many of his manuscripts had been collecting and yet the books weren't being published. This was a prelude to what later became his order to publish seventeen books in two months. When I entered the room, at first I thought he was saying that he wanted to write but he had no time. I suggested that he might go from India to Hawaii because that was always a good place for him to write. Brahmananda turned to me and said, "That's not the point. Prabhupada is saying what's the use of going to Hawaii or doing any writing unless these books get published?" Prabhupada turned from one person to another asking why the books weren't being published. I felt uneasy, partly because I was unaccustomed to living in India, and also I felt pressure from the other devotees. These were simply my own problems. But at the time, I felt bewildered to see Prabhupada angry, even though I realized that there was nothing wrong with the commander-in-chief calling in his officers and telling them that they had failed to carry out his instructions. The commander trusts that he doesn't have to always speak to his captains with the most delicate forms of expression he can tell them honestly what's on his mind, and they will be loyal to respond. They don't mind getting some slack. But I was fearful that I had had an unappreciative moment. It was partly due to a lack of real surrender to Prabhupada, but also bewilderment by the mind and the material nature. It can happen, but I don't want to excuse myself too easily. One wants to perpetually worship the lotus feet of the spiritual master, and so it's disturbing when anything comes up to interrupt it. It's a fight to attain real devotion.



Reference: Prabhupada Meditations Vol I by Satsvarupa Dasa Goswami