"No! Don't pick it up?it is a snake."

The Gaura-purnima festival in Mayapur was a mixture of difficulties and glorious successes. The main residential building was not completed or able to house the approximately four hundred devotees who arrived from all over the world. Many had to keep their luggage out on the veranda and sleep there at night. Prasadam was served on the same veranda, which created considerable discomfort. Most of the devotees were visiting India for the first time, and many became sick with dysentery and other diseases. Accepting the austerities philosophically, they reasoned that this was, after all, the first attempt at holding the festival; next year would be better. And on the bright side, the gathering of devotees in 1974 was the making of spiritual history; adjusting to the ways and climate of India, many became deeply satisfied to be a part of it. For the first time the prediction of the acarya Bhaktivinoda Thakura?that one day the sankirtana movement of Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu would spread to become a world religion, bringing Bengalis, Europeans, and Americans together in Mayapur to chant "Jai Sacinandana!" and the Hare Krishna mantra?was being fulfilled. Devotees thrilled to be in the holy dhama, and they went out together, hundreds strong, on parikrama to visit the tirthas connected with the lila of Lord Caitanya. They bathed in the Ganges, took time to read Prabhupada's books, shopped in the market?mridangas, karatalas, deities, dhotis?for the needs of their temples back home. And best of all, everyone got to see Srila Prabhupada daily in the temple room and hear him speak. This was also the first year that Srila Prabhupada had requested his worldwide zonal secretaries, the Governing Body Commission, to meet and make plans and resolutions for the next year's preaching. I was again posted in a room next to Prabhupada and responsible for his personal needs. When he rang his brass hand-bell, I was the one who came running out of one room, down the marble veranda, and into Prabhupada's room to answer his requests, even if it only meant going to get a leading Godbrother whom Prabhupada wanted to talk with. Since I was on call twenty-four hours a day, a special arrangement had to be made so that I could attend the G.B.C. meetings, which were to last two or three days. Nanda-kumara, a former servant of Prabhupada's, had shown up for the festival, and he volunteered for his old position during the days I would be attending the meetings. One of the first items of business for the G.B.C. officers was the assignment of zones. A majority opinion, which I shared, was that I should relinquish my zonal responsibility since I could not tend to it while traveling constantly with Srila Prabhupada. I had been the zonal secretary for Texas, Chicago, and other Midwestern cities and states when Srila Prabhupada had called me to be his servant-secretary, and since that time I had hardly communicated with any of the temples in my zone. So I was relieved of that duty. They said I should remain as a G.B.C. member, but my portfolio was now as personal secretary to Srila Prabhupada without a zone. I felt some remorse to see my zonal responsibilities removed, since Srila Prabhupada had previously written to me that they were very important. He had told me I should do as he was doing and travel to the temples in my zone, carefully tending to the spiritual standards and watching the financial stability. But now Srila Prabhupada wanted me to be his servant, and I also identified myself with that service?as did my Godbrothers. Therefore the resolution was passed that I no longer had a zone. But after the first day's G.B.C. meeting, when I returned to the room adjoining Prabhupada's, I heard another amazing change, this one from Nanda-kumara. He said that Prabhupada had just agreed that he, Nanda-kumara, should return to his position as Prabhupada's permanent servant. Nanda-kumara had been the servant before Srutakirti and had traveled with Srila Prabhupada through America and India from 1969 through 1970. He had worshiped a small set of Radha-Krishna Deities on Prabhupada's behalf, wherever they went, and had been a competent cook and fellow traveler for Srila Prabhupada. He had left because of a falldown with a woman and had had spiritual trouble ever since. For a while he had been breaking the regulative principles of Krishna consciousness, but now he had come to the Mayapur festival to attempt a spiritual recovery. And after one day as my temporary replacement, he had arranged to replace me for good. Or so he said. I went into Srila Prabhupada along with Nanda-kumara and asked if this were true. Prabhupada explained that Nanda-kumara had requested it and that he was agreeable, if I was. Srila Prabhupada was never partial or political or sentimental in such matters. He wanted all his disciples to be happy and fully engaged, and he required that one of us be his servant. No one should be disappointed or rejected. Nanda-kumara spoke up and explained that he needed it for his spiritual survival, whereas I, he said, was fixed up and could resume my G.B.C. duties. Prabhupada agreed that Nanda-kumara was an expert servant, and I also consented to that. I felt somehow the victim of a fast move, but it was so transparent and unsneaky, that I could not resent Nanda-kumara's motives. If he really needed it and Prabhupada agreed, then of course I would agree also. I didn't want to fight it. Besides, I had been experiencing occasional mixed feelings, and restlessness as personal servant. Maybe this was Krishna's way of moving me on. Somewhat abruptly, therefore, Nanda-kumara replaced me as Prabhupada's servant. The next morning I woke in a different room, not adjoining Prabhupada's but with several other sannyasis. At first I thought I was still Prabhupada's servant and I should get up and prepare his medicine, but then I remembered. My feelings were again mixed, but I couldn't help but take pleasure in associating with my Godbrothers, all of whom were eager preachers on Prabhupada's behalf in different places around the world. There was Giriraja, Prabhupada's loyal spiritual son who served him in Bombay; Tripurari, who was very dear to Prabhupada for leading the book distribution in America; and Jayadvaita, the personal editor of Prabhupada's books. Certainly being in their company didn't make me feel I was no longer serving Srila Prabhupada. I suddenly remembered how Prabhupada had written me in 1969 when he had visited our temple in Boston. I had desired to be his personal servant during his stay in Boston, but didn't get the chance, due to my other duties. Prabhupada had written me later, "It does not matter that you did not personally tend to me in Boston; that is a formality. I want to see that all my disciples are engaged twenty-four hours in the service of the Lord. If one is engaged full-time in the service of the Lord, under my direction, that is my personal service." Every one of the hundreds of devotees gathered in Mayapur were all personal servants of Prabhupada, even if only one had the duties of massaging Prabhupada's body and bringing him his meals. Assuring myself in this way, I hurried down to the temple room to get a place near the altar so that I could see the Deities during mangala-arati. I also led the singing of the prayers, samsara-dava, and some of the devotees commented that I seemed extra enthusiastic. My friends asked me, "What are you going to do now?" and I said I wasn't yet sure. But my head was swimming with possibilities. I was thinking that I would like to return to the brahmacaris I had been traveling with and continue that program of going from city to city. If the G.B.C. so decided, I could also take back my zone or another zone. My thoughts thus raced around the world, considering the infinite possibilities of service to Srila Prabhupada in Krishna consciousness, and by the time Srila Prabhupada came out for his walk, I was feeling bouncy and almost heady from my new "freedom." Standing with my sannyasi Godbrothers as we held our dandas, I prepared to follow and hear Srila Prabhupada in his walk through the fields. But when I saw Srila Prabhupada's new servant, walking closely by Prabhupada's side and carrying Prabhupada's cadar draped over his arm, I suddenly regretted that I was not in that position. The same categorical change, which had up to now impressed me in terms of its freedom, now hit me as a loss of intimacy. I was no longer the one and only devotee who was always physically close to Prabhupada; I was now one of many Godbrothers who trailed behind Prabhupada, trying to get close enough to hear his words. At one point when Prabhupada stopped, it was to Nanda-kumara he turned for assistance in putting on his cadar, and I regretted that it was not I who had the privilege to perform that tender gesture. Only yesterday I had been Prabhupada's servant, and now I wondered if he even noticed me. From a unique vantage point, I saw the benefits and shortcomings of both positions. The regular sannyasi can expect to have his own room, his own set of Prabhupada's books, his own belongings, and his own party of men to work with. But as Prabhupada's servant one must do everything in the position of a menial helper. Being Prabhupada's servant, one cannot engage directly in leading many men; he has to serve always. And yet his service is most enviable since he is serving the greatest. The personal servant remains completely subordinate and always takes the back seat. He does not go out preaching on his own, and he is also liable to be constantly chastised and exposed by Prabhupada for his neophyte incompetence. But if he is advanced enough to endure the guru's pummeling of his false ego, then he can experience the greatest advantage of being personally trained by the spiritual master. During Prabhupada's morning walk, I particularly experienced the feelings of loss, but during his lecture in the temple I was able to listen attentively and felt myself purified of all misconceptions. Certainly I was Prabhupada's intimate disciple as long as I remained submissive to his order. I myself had not brought about my removal as his servant. It had somehow come to pass, and I would accept it as Krishna's and Prabhupada's arrangement. I would take up whatever my new service might be, not in a spirit of enjoying or becoming independent but trying to see myself as the servant of my spiritual master. When the G.B.C. meetings reconvened that day, I formally announced how Prabhupada had taken on Nanda-kumara as his personal servant. I asked to be reinstated in my former G.B.C. zone. The G.B.C. body considered my request and agreed that I should take on my full portfolio as G.B.C. secretary. There was also some discussion that as a sannyasi I should consider traveling around the United States and placing Prabhupada's books in libraries. But this was as yet not a clear direction. I would go back to America, take up my former duties and then see what I could do. It was after the second day of G.B.C. meetings that a devotee messenger came up to me and said that Prabhupada wanted to see me. As I approached his room, I looked into the servant's room and Nanda-kumara wasn't there. Neither was he in Prabhupada's room. Prabhupada was there with a few senior disciples. He appeared to me like a great king-acarya, sitting simply in his room in sannyasi garments, while hundreds of his disciples were gathered just to be with him and worship him in Mayapur. He was a powerful spiritual leader in every sense, and yet he behaved humbly and lived simply. I didn't know why Prabhupada had called me. I had already been through many changes since arriving in Mayapur, but like his other disciples I just wanted to surrender to his order. The satisfaction of being called by him, and the anticipation, thinking, "He will ask me something and whatever it is I will do it, and that is my life," is indescribable by me, but it is the very life-substance of the disciple. "Nanda-kumara is too restless," said Srila Prabhupada. He had been discussing it with the other devotees. One of them said, "Prabhupada was ringing his bell, but Nanda-kumara wasn't there" Nanda had run into the same thing I had in his attempt to cook Prabhupada's lunch?Indian ladies in the kitchen. He couldn't even get a knife or vegetables and couldn't communicate to the women, who spoke no English. That incident, in addition to a general spiritual weakness, convinced Nanda that he wasn't ready to be personal servant again, not now. The consensus was that I should return, and I said that I would. At this point I couldn't think whether being servant was more favorable or less favorable than something else. Prabhupada was personally present, and the only question was to do as he wanted, to make it convenient for him. It was not so much a test of my surrender to servant's duties as it was a test of my willingness to go back and forth on Prabhupada's command. There is a story that a spiritual master told his disciple, "Pick up that stick," but when the disciple went to do it the guru said, "No! Don't pick it up?it is a snake." And when the disciple stopped picking it up, the guru added, "No, it is a stick, pick it up,"?and the disciple obeyed. Later that evening, I stood at the rail of the veranda with Nanda-kumara, within bell-ringing range of Prabhupada's room. Nanda had admitted he couldn't do the servant's task, but now he gave me some advice. I had also admitted to him that in the interim period I had partly felt relief and new freedom to take up preaching duties beyond those of a personal servant. "I think you should stay Prabhupada's secretary as long as possible," said Nanda-kumara. "Prabhupada may be with us in this world say for another ten years only. After that, we are still young and we have the whole rest of our lives to go out and preach. But as long as he is here, he is the real preacher and to be with him is the best training' " What he said sounded wise, even if he wasn't able to follow the advice himself. "Just dedicate yourself to serving Prabhupada for ten years," said Nanda, "and then you can go and preach. Just think of the benefit you will gain which you will never be able to gain later." Nanda's reasoning, with the almost cold calculations about Prabhupada's remaining ten years, made sense to me. Even if my concern was not to miss out on the action of preaching and responsibility in ISKCON, what better way to be trained than to assist the greatest of all preachers and personally serve him? Hadn't Isvara Puri become qualified to be the guru of Lord Caitanya because of his menial service to his (Isvara Puri's) guru, Madhavendra Puri? So I was back as Prabhupada's personal secretary-servant. The next day, at the last session of the G.B.C. meetings, I again relinquished my duties in the Midwest zone.