"that is my mission. To combine them."

I woke to the sound of Prabhupada dictating Caitanya-caritamrta. It was only 2 A.M., and so I stayed huddled in my sleeping bag. But it was the most wonderful, welcome sound. It meant the whole world was being taken care of. I dozed off, waking again at 3 A.M. Now Prabhupada's room was quiet, and I knew he must be chanting on his beads. The outhouse and the bucket for bathing were in the back yard, and as I quietly left the building I could hear peacocks calling loudly to one another from the trees. In the distance, dogs were barking and a radio played a Hindi song. The pinching cold made me remember Srila Prabhupada's tapasya lecture, but I enjoyed it all, looking up at the clear starry sky and thinking, "I am in Vrindavana with Prabhupada" As quickly as possible, I returned to my room and began silently fingering my beads and mouthing the words: Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare/ Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare. About 4 A.M., Srila Prabhupada rang his bell. Entering with joy, I made my obeisances before Srila Prabhupada, who sat behind his dim desk light looking as solid as the Himalayas. "Jaya, Srila Prabhupada!" "Jaya. I want to see Tamala Krishna," said Prabhupada. "Yes, Prabhupada." I was immediately on my feet and off to run the errand. But I couldn't help feeling envious. "I am very unimportant," I thought. "Prabhupada has many important things to discuss with Tamila Krishna, but not with me. I am just an errand boy because I am so unqualified." Tamala Krishna stayed in a small mud-baked hut with a straw roof, and I knocked on his door and called him. "Prabhupada wants to see you," I said, and he hurried out. Together we walked back to Prabhupada's room. "Did he say why?" asked Tamala Krishna. "No," I replied, "I don't know. He just asked for you." Opening the door to Prabhupada's room for Tamala Krishna, I discreetly stayed in my room and shut the door. But I could hear about half of what they were saying. As G.B.C. for India, Tamila Krishna was involved in carrying out all Srila Prabhupada's plans for preaching in India and there were many things Prabhupada wanted to discuss with his man-in-charge. Tamala Krishna Goswami was used to speaking very openly with Srila Prabhupada. He wanted to know Prabhupada's mind on different subjects, and he also revealed his own views. At one point he asked Srila Prabhupada whether it was better for a grihastha or a sannyasi to be in charge of the temples. They also discussed how much emphasis to put on different preaching programs and how to best engage the devotees. They discussed each of the ISKCON centers in India and various personnel, legal, financial, and spiritual problems. Prabhupada was particularly concerned with the construction schedule for the Krishna-Balaram temple. I would have liked to have been inside the room to hear Prabhupada's valuable instructions, but I had not been invited. And why should I be invited? I was the secretary-servant. My duty was to get Srila Prabhupada a fresh nim twig for brushing his teeth, to prepare his clothes, get his medicine, clean his room?and go get important devotees like Tamala Krishna for him to speak with. Feeling somewhat sorry for myself, I tried chanting my silent japa, but it was now more difficult than ever, as I was trying to listen at the door and as my mind was beating me with foolish thoughts. It further occurred to me that if I wanted to take on more important managerial duties, there was nothing preventing me from doing so. It would not be unfitting if as we traveled I assumed the position of Srila Prabhupada's representative, looking into the management, finances, and direction of preaching in each place. But that was not my inclination?to assert myself everywhere. Nor was I qualified. I should type the letters, do the menial duties and simply travel everywhere with Srila Prabhupada, I told myself. That satisfied Srila Prabhupada, so why shouldn't it satisfy me? Just the fact that Prabhupada wasn't kicking me out should have been enough to satisfy me. How could I be so ungrateful? Even the big leaders, although called in by Srila Prabhupada, would be left behind in their zones while I went on accompanying Srila Prabhupada everywhere. What did it matter if I was a menial servant? Wasn't that my constitutional position? In this way, I reasoned with myself as I stood in the darkness outside Prabhupada's room. Prabhupada had called me just to get an important devotee so that he could speak with him. And if I was just a shoe-carrier and nothing more than that, that was due entirely to my own laziness and lack of surrender. And yet the other side of me?false pride?continued. Eventually Tamala Krishna came out, and I got ready to accompany Srila Prabhupada on his morning walk. I recovered my wits, realizing I had had an attack of maya, resulting in restlessness in my service. The air was cold enough to make white vapor as we breathed. But as the sun rose it would become warm. Enduring the weather was one of the honest austerities of Vrindavana, as was the lack of technological amenities. Desiring to cast off my foolish thoughts, I turned to Prabhupada as he began his walk. "Srila Prabhupada," I said, "it seems that India has all spiritual knowledge. But here they can't even keep the electricity on, whereas in the West they have material advancement. So they should combine. Is that possible?" "Yes," Prabhupada replied, and he seemed enlivened at what I had said, "that is my mission. To combine them." Along with about ten devotees, Prabhupada stepped into the sandy lane and walked in the direction of the old parikrama trail of Vrindavana. "The material side is also necessary," he continued. "But in the West they even have a machine for shaving. It is all for the itching sensation, sex?that which is insignificant, abominable. The whole intelligence is being employed like a dog or cat." Off the lane we saw two babajis, wearing only small white cloths. They were crouched before a small fire, warming their bodies. Vrindavana is the gift of Rupa and Sanatana Gosvamis," Prabhupada said, "The meaning of gosomi can be found in the prayers to the Six Gosvamis. They were wealthy government leaders, but they gave up everything and became beggars, accept ing one cloth and always thinking of the gopis. They gave contributions of many books so people could take advantage and become Krishna conscious. Now we see many imitations of Rupa Gosvami in Vrindavana today. We shouldn't imitate the dress of Rupa Gosvami, while at the same time we cannot give up our cigarettes. It is the gift of Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Goswami that we should not jump and try to change our garment all of a sudden. We should try to hear the Absolute Truth from realized souls, and then we can conquer Ajita, Krishna, the unconquerable." One of Prabhupada's disciples working on the Vrindavana project came closer to Prabhupada and asked, "Prabhupada, some of the smarta-brahmanas are very caste conscious, and they don't accept that Westerners can be brahmanas. What should we say to them?" "Tell them that Bharata-varsha means the whole world," said Prabhupada. "The real term is Bharata-varsha not India. Tell them that the first brahmana was not an Indian. That is Lord Brahma. We have knowledge which makes us brahmana, and they do not. They eat fish. They eat anything. But our men here in Vrindavana, should become actually gosvami. That means detached from sex end eating and sleeping. They must become actually gosvami by always engaging in Krishna's service. "Prabhupada," another devotee came forward, "you are like the hometown boy who made good here in Vrindavana. The people are proud of you." "They should be proud," said Prabhupada dryly. "They couldn't do anything, " Together the group walked onto the parikrama trail where the Yamuna River used to flow. Many pilgrims were on their way to visit the temples, workers on bicycles and men with donkeys or ox carts carried their various wares. But almost everyone greeted Prabhupada, saying, "Jaya Radhe!" And he warmly responded, "Hare Krishna!" Prabhupada turned into an abandoned field where we saw many peacocks?the resplendent males as well as the plainer females. Guru dasa remarked, "Among the birds, the males are more beautiful than the females." "Among the humans the women are," said Prabhupada. "And among the Mohammedans a man with a big beard and mustache is considered very beautiful." "Then we are the least beautiful," said Guru dasa. "We have no hairs." "Yes, nobody likes us," said Prabhupada, smiling. "We are neither male or female. No one knows who we are. It is very good. If you are attracted to neither male nor female, you are liberated." Prabhupada had everyone laughing, but even the humorous moment was deep with self-realization. As I hurried to keep my servant's place at Prabhupada's side, I felt all my desires for seeing Vrindavana through his eyes were being fulfilled. He was truly leading us into the meaning of the dhama. If only I could stop dwelling on bodily and mental considerations and simply surrender to his service. As Prabhupada led us onto the main road, I asked, "In the Krishna book you have written that the people in Vrindavana don't need a spiritual master because Krishna is their spiritual master. What does this mean?" "Yes," replied Prabhupada, "They have the excellent spiritual master. But just as one may have a spiritual master and not obey him, then what is his position? So they are fallen who do nonsense things in Vrindavana, but their fortune is also there, that they are born in Vrindavana. But they may misuse that fortune." As we walked, Prabhupada remarked that Vrindavana was becoming like a desert and that in the future it would become more so. He said it was because of impiety in Vrindavana. "In the West," said Srila Prabhupada, "I see in America, Germany, there is so much green. But not here." "But Srila Prabhupada" I asked, "how can it be? The West is not more impious than Vrindavana?" "Yes," Prabhupada replied. "But when I came to the West you did not know anything about Krishna. You did not even know that meat-eating and illicit sex were bad. And when I told you to stop, you did it. But Vrindavana is Krishna's land, yet they are eating meat and having illicit sex. So the reaction is even worse. They are being punished directly by Krishna."