I will always be Krishna's servant

Satsvarupa Dasa Goswami: Some GBCs are hoping to ask Srila Prabhupada some last questions. Hridayananda Goswami said that a year and half ago, Srila Prabhupada said his personal association was not very important (we remember a quote from years ago: Personal association is for fools). Hridayananda Maharaja says he feels confident he will go on in Krishna consciousness. We both admitted anxiety over cooperation among top leaders and cooperation between the leaders and the mass of devotees.

Hridayananda said there are so many pitfalls in trying to spread a worldwide movement these are only some of them. Everything is going along peacefully, it seems. Srila Prabhupada says he's not feeling pain. The consensus is that it's a fact he's going to leave, not stay. No one is misbehaving, devotees taking turns chanting. Jokes go on; those who are crude are engaging in the usual loose talks.

I walked into his room at 2 p.m. Many GBC men were already there and he had just spoken to them. Abhirama showed me what he had said. He had written it down verbatim: You all consult what you want me to do. Abhirama then asked: About recovery?

Srila Prabhupada: I don't want.

Abhirama: Recovery?

Srila Prabhupada nodded yes and said to Tamal, If I am to survive I must take some food. Otherwise, without food one cannot live. But survival means one complication after another. Therefore, I have decided to die peacefully in Vrndavana. They want me to survive. I want to die peacefully. You consult. Whether I live or die, I will always be Krishna's servant. Krishna wants me to do as I like; the choice is mine. Krishna has given me freedom to do. If I want to live I must take care of this body. We cannot exhibit miracles by not taking care and living. That is fanaticism. If you assure me this movement will go on without me, then better let me die.

After this, it seemed like the end was at hand. I stayed and massaged his feet. Others went out. Then half an hour later they came back in. Kirtanananda Swami wanted to speak to Srila Prabhupada. Everyone gathered around. He said, Prabhupada, if Krishna has given you the choice, then we want you to stay. We need you. He was crying and couldn't speak.

Brahmananda Swami said, "We want you to stay ten years. Finish the Bhagavatam. Your work is only half finished." Srila Prabhupada was affected by what they said. He yawned and said, "All right." After a while he said (with wet eyes), Thank you very much. Hare Krishna. Then he asked for grape juice and took it. Then he asked for plain strawberries, not juice. He heard Tejas was in the room and asked about the Hyderabad farm.

On hearing they grew corn he said, "With corn you can make capati and something else the villagers will like." He was back with us. He asked what the benefit of strawberries was. He was told they brought energy. I think he said, "This is real affection."

These wonderful Vaisnava devotees have brought Srila Prabhupada back from death. I am strictly an outsider to these dealings. I thought, I should serve these devotees since I am not one of them.

TKG then said to Prabhupada that he promised Krishna he would see Him installed in the Bombay temple, and the opening was set for January 1st. He would have to live to fulfill that promise. The devotees were pressuring Srila Prabhupada to choose to live, not die, because they needed him. Srila Prabhupada asked, "Kirtanananda, When will the palace be ready?

Kirtanananda Swami said, "In early spring, just when the weather is nice. You can go to the Bombay opening and then come to the palace. I have letters from fifty to seventy devotees in New Vrindaban begging you to come. They say they can't live if you don't come." Prabhupada has decided to try to live on. He'll take strawberries. Everyone was gathered around him. I don't think he could see, but he said, "All right, now let me rest. But keep the chanting going on." He had said that to erect a big temple in Bombay after all that fighting was a great triumph. The whole thing has changed.

Later the same day, Srila Prabhupada was speaking loudly. He quoted verses, including the verse, One can live for hundreds of years in that way. He sat up and took a breath. Talked half an hour with Giriraja over bank matters, similarly at length with Ramesvara Maharaja about preaching in Tehran. The devotees are light-hearted, thankful that Srila Prabhupada is going to live. We have to give him love and affection to impel him to stay with us, the pip-squeaks we are, compared to his friends in Krishnaloka.

A few days ago, talking of going to the palace Kirtanananda Swami is preparing, he said something like, We'll have to see what palace I will be going to. I saw Srila Prabhupada being bathed with a sponge. His body is like the picture of Rantideva ribs sticking out, hip bones, no extra skin anywhere. To move any limb at all requires a servant's assistance. The question is how can he gain weight.