Transcendental Anxiety
Tejiyas Dasa: I wrote a letter to Prabhupada about my anxiety. I was disheartened because the devotees I trained would abandon me three weeks later. Even my wife would argue and run away. Prabhupada's reply was, "Actually we are not after making members, we are not after collections, we are not after selling books, we are not after any of these things. These are just different ways to engage in service to Krishna and thus to become Krishna conscious. You need not worry. Do not be in anxiety." Two weeks later, I got another letter from Srila Prabhupada increasing my responsibilities five-fold. He wrote, "Make the members of Parliament Life Members." I had so many responsibilities that I was getting more and more anxious. I hadn't made a Life Member in 45 days. I was trying to follow Prabhupada's instructions of being detached, thinking, I'm a servant of Krishna and whatever I get is Krishna's arrangement. But I was also thinking, Why am I in such anxiety? The daily reality I faced was that the devotees in Vrindavan would starve if I didn't send money, and I had to take care of the devotees in Delhi also. At the same time, Prabhupada put me under stringent financial directives. I had to give 50% of the Life Membership money to the BBT and 50% to construction. So I had no money for maintenance and I was the little maintainer of the Vrindavan and Delhi ISKCON temples. Beyond this, there were always new problems, more things to do and not enough prasadam. I got sick. The devotees revolted. Every afternoon Srila Prabhupada would take a leisurely hour-long massage. He had so many things to do, but he was leisurely about everything he did. I went and sat there for a while. Then I told Srila Prabhupada, "I'm worried that I'm not progressing correctly in spiritual life. In Bhagavad-gita it says, brahma-bhutah prasannatma na socati na kanksati, that when one attains the brahma-bhutah platform or is Krishna conscious, anxiety and lamentation are gone. But I'm always in anxiety and I'm concerned that I'm making an error in my spiritual life. Srila Prabhupada, please correct me." Prabhupada's reply was amazing. Prabhupada looked at me softly and kindly and said, "No. Your anxiety is all about pleasing Krishna. Mother Yasoda is always in anxiety, that this demon Trinavarta might steal Krishna or that Krishna might be hungry. So, all your anxieties are simply in relation to pleasing Krishna and are transcendental." He was so kind.
Reference: Memories Anecdotes of a Modern Day Saint - Volume 3 by Siddhanta Dasa
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