Suicidal Nonsense
Jahnava Devi: In Dallas in 1972, the Deities, Sri Sri Radha-Kalachandji, arrived the same day as Srila Prabhupada, and Srila Prabhupada wanted to install Them in two days. The Deities were covered with something sticky and little pieces of burlap and cloth were stuck to painted areas like Their eyes and soon the head pujari, Ichhamati, was concerned because she knew that when we dress the Deities in the future we would have some difficulty. So, we tried every solvent that we could think of. Nothing would get this sticky substance off. When we had tried everything, Ichhamati left me in charge of raking this stuff off. I'd already suggested paint remover, and we had thought about it a little bit. Finally, she left and I began to use paint remover. My great offense was that I was confident that I could take all the paint off the Deities and repaint them in two days time. I removed all the paint from the Deities and when the head pujari came back, she was in a state of shock. I said, "It's all right", but I understood I had done something in an unauthorized way. I did not know at that time that these Deities were already installed. I didn't know that they had been worshipped and that they were 500-year-old Deities, although this does not minimize my offense. Anyway, I was painting the Deities all night in Srila Prabhupada's quarters. And the next morning the Deity was totally wet. I was using a Japanese dryer but I could see that something was wrong, it was not going according to plan. So, Satsvarupa Maharaj informed Srila Prabhupada of the situation on a morning walk. Srila Prabhupada stopped and said, "Pack my bags immediately. I am leaving this temple. You can do whatever you like with the Deities, but just don't consult me." Naturally, I went into a suicidal state. I was emotionally crying and devastated by my offense of having acted in an unauthorized way. Then the GBC, the head pujari, the temple president, everyone gathered for a meeting in Srila Prabhupada's room. Srila Prabhupada said, "Who has done this?" Everyone said, "Jahnava, Jahnava did it." Srila Prabhupada turned his glance to me and said, "Who told you to do this?" At that moment, I was choked with emotion. There was no question of speech coming out of my mouth. And at the same time, I remembered the Srimad-Bhagavatam where the bull does not blame anyone for his condition. I could have pointed my finger a few places but I didn't. I felt that I should not do this. And from within, I felt that Srila Prabhupada appreciated me not blaming someone else. Srila Prabhupada said, "Why did you do this?" And again, I was choked with emotion. I had been crying hysterically for two hours. Srila Prabhupada began to be disgusted with me, and he started turning his glance and his mercy away from me. I thought, "Krishna's kicking and His kissing is the same. I want it. I want whatever Srila Prabhupada has to give me. It's mine. This is my quota." So I choked it off. When Srila Prabhupada asked, "Why have you done this?" I said, "Nonsense, Srila Prabhupada." Srila Prabhupada said, "Suicidal nonsense." Then he asked me, "So, what is to be done about it?" Now he'd changed his tone of voice a little bit and he seemed pleased. I felt a little let off the hook. I said, "I just called Baradraj in L.A. and explained that the paint is not drying, and he suggested I use. . ." Srila Prabhupada said, "Baradraj? Baradraj? I am your spiritual master, and I am sitting right in front of you! Why do you not ask me?" The sound reverberations of that form of Srila Prabhupada as a servant of Lord Nrsinghadev are going out into the universe, still reverberating to this day. It took me about two or three years to calm down. It was a wonderful, cleansing process. Srila Prabhupada was disgusted with me, and he turned his glance away from me and said, "What is to be done about this?" Then Ichhamati said the same thing I did, but with humility. She said, "Srila Prabhupada, if we use an enamel paint, it can dry in six to eight hours. Would it be all right with you if we use that kind of paint?" Srila Prabhupada said, "Do it immediately."
Reference: Memories Anecdotes of a Modern Day Saint - Volume 3 by Siddhanta Dasa
Recently Added
Trending Today