You have a very good wife because she agrees!

Ananga Manjari: One time Hridayananda and I got to be alone with Prabhupada in his room. This was the time we were going to ask him if we could take sannyas. That is how we felt about it. We felt that we were going to take sannyas. We saw it as an adventure and sacrifice we would make for Prabhupada. We were married for one year at that time and in those days it wasn’t like we were married, because we were mostly living separately in the brahmachari and brahmacharini ashrams managing the Gainesville temple. We were in a good committed partnership for preaching and good friends. So we thought that this would be a great sacrifice for Prabhupada and he knew we had come for this reason.

As we sat there, Prabhupada looked at us very gravely and asked, “So, what do you want?” Hridayananda responded very philosophically, “Srila Prabhupada, it’s explained in the Vedas that one studies under the guru in brahmachari life and then he gets married and experiences grihastha life, and then he takes sannyas. So I’m asking if I can take sannyas.” Srila Prabhupada hesitated. Then said very gravely, “Sometimes it is difficult.” I remember thinking as I was sitting there, “Maybe difficult but Prabhupada will carry us through. Krishna will carry what we lack. We want to do this for Prabhupada.” Then Prabhupada asked, “Does your wife agree?” I nodded my head and Hridayananda said, “Yes, Prabhupada, she agrees.” Prabhupada didn’t say anything. We were so young and eager as I was only eighteen at the time. Then there was a distraction in the room as another devotee had come in. Hridayananda turned to me and said, “Does that mean ‘yes’?” I said, “I’m not sure. I think you need to ask Prabhupada to clarify.”

Once the other devotee left, Hridayananda blurted out very eagerly, “So Prabhupada, is it okay then? Can I take sannyas?” It was like, “Can I go lead a kirtan?” He was very eager. Prabhupada asked again, “Does your wife agree?” Again, I nodded my head and Hridayananda said, “Yes, she agrees.” He didn’t say anything. Then another distraction came and we all went into the other room. When we came back, Prabhupada asked, “Does your wife agree?” I was standing right there next to him and for the third time I nodded and Hridayananda said, “Yes, Prabhupada, she agrees.” All of a sudden Prabhupada slapped him on the back and said, “You have a very good wife because she agrees!” Then he came up to me with the most compassionate, melting look in his eyes. He came very close to me and said to me very lovingly, “What do you want to do?” I was thinking, “This is the Jagat Guru. This is the spiritual master of the whole universe and he is asking me what I want.” At this moment I could have had anything I wanted because whatever he says, Krishna will back him up. All these thoughts went through my head. I thought this is the moment of my life because whatever I will say will be the most important thing. I remember it was like a film of a million desires running through my head, like on a television show when they depict someone’s life flashing by.

Finally I said, “Oh, Srila Prabhupada, I just… I just… I just want to be Krishna conscious!” It came out so vividly that I almost saw the words coming out of my mouth. I was astounded that those were the words that came out because it wasn’t what I had been thinking. It hadn’t been a clear desire. Prabhupada stepped back and looked at me like an artist that had just created something and seeing how his creation had worked out. I thought, “He made those words come out. He pulled those out of me, out of his love." Out of that compassionate look, he pulled those words out of my heart. Then he waved his hand and said, “You’re already Krishna consciousness.” I remember thinking, “This is what he is doing for all of us.” He pulls this desire for love of Krishna and determination to try and be Krishna conscious, and then he just whams us with grace and love and mercy. It was a very significant part of my life and it kept me going for many years. It’s for all of us. It’s for everyone. “You’re already Krishna conscious”, because of just trying to do something for him.